I spent so much time waiting for you to come around,

Wasted so many moments being patient, understanding.

Yet, the only thing you ever did was let me down.

I am through and finished with my heart aching.

-

I know it took a long time, but I have figured you out,

You think you have fooled me, but you are wrong.

Now I don’t have to live with the guilt and doubt.

I will not allow you anymore to string me along.

-

I feel sorry for you, I know this is going to be hard,

But soon you’re going to realize your stupid mistake.

Regret won’t easily be forgotten, you can’t discard,

It will be there every single moment you are awake.

-

You say you feel bad, wish you could never hurt me,

But you didn’t try very hard to make that not happen.

You were only thinking of yourself, quite selfishly,

Whatever made you happy, whatever the reason.

-

You think you won, you think you are quite clever,

But little do you know that you are on the losing team.

You’re going to soon figure out and wish it wasn’t over,

I am going to be in every thought, and every daydream.

-

I am sorry, but I am going to be in every idle thought,

It’s too bad you just ended the best days of your life.

You needed to take a step back, or so you thought,

Instead your regret is going to assail you with strife.

-

I’ve already moved on, realizing I deserve more,

I won’t let you anymore mess with my emotions.

One day I am going to meet someone to adore,

Someone who loves me with all the right notions.

-

You’re not going to hurt me or fool me with your lies,

I’m not going to believe you like I did before.

It took me awhile, but I have opened my eyes,

I am moving on, waiting to see what God has in store.

-

I feel sorry for you, it’s just too bad, its such a shame,

You lost the best thing that could ever happen to you.

You’re going to think of me every time you hear my name…

And wish you didn’t end the one thing that was true.

So I did some self portraits today, just for fun.  I photoshopped a lot of them, which you can see on my Facebook page if you are interested.  But, I went a little overboard on one of them.

Here is the original:

Here is me getting a little out of hand in Photoshop :

Smoothed skin, changed eye color, added lashes, enhanced eyebrows, changed lip color, highlighted hair, added glow to crown and necklace, and enhanced cheek color.  Took Fo-r-eve-r.  LOL

Looks a little cartoonish, though.  I think it’s the eye color.

On Friday, I did all the lesson plans for my art class until May.  I really needed to figure out what I needed to do in the book and what I could cut out.  (Some of the lessons could really be combined with other lessons….AND some of it was science-related.  Now, I realize that science and art overlap, but really?)  I decided that doing a papier mache thing would be fun (and messy!) for them.  In high school, i did a papier mache mask and that’s what I wanted to do.  However, when I looked up online how to do it, I kept coming up empty, save for doing the papier mache on their own faces.  Uuuuh no.  So after accidentally seeing something, I decided to do a bowl instead.  Yesterday, I started to do one so I could show an example and to see if it would work.  Here is my experience!

Papier mache fun…mess!  The stuff looks like oatmeal…and smells just as gross.  Notice the other stuff in the backgrounds for future art projects…I am such a nerd!

Cuttings of an old book (Red Badge of Courage, if you must know) for the outside.

Day Two:  Decoupaging with Mod Podge.  The stuff was MESSY!!!  My hands were COVERED with the sticky stuff.  Smelled bla too.

Drying

Almost done…

Finished!

I felt a little creative (not enough for painting though), so I decided to create a skirt.  Not just any skirt, Hermione’s skirt.

I found some directions online, but I improvised a bit on it.  Last night I did a practice run to see if I could do it, using some regular cream fabric (and red thread–HA!) and it came out ok.  Today, I went to Jo-Ann’s an got some nice gray fabric.  It is much better fabric that I have been seeing online.  It didn’t take me long, only a few hours to create it and here is the final result!

It came out real nice.   I can’t wait to wear it, not only with my costume, but with Muggle clothes too.

I have allergy woes.  It’s fall time, time for my ragweed and mold allergies.  My Alavert just isn’t cutting it anymore (not strong enough for my sinuses), so I decided to try Claratin D.  The first time I tried it, it made me feel fuzzy, light headed, cloudy, and just plain ol’ weird.  Not really tired, but almost.  So I decided to take it at night.  WELL, I was up until 5 in the morning!!!  And, I have THE WORST post nasal drip.  THE WORST!!!  It hurts!  So, currently I am making myself a hot cup of tea with lemon and honey.

Rachel’s thinking of having a costume party next month, and I had the brilliant idea of being Hermione Granger.

(I was going to be Galinda and Rachel Elphaba, but I think that people would think that I was a princess, not the Good Witch.)  This costume is super easy!  (Though I did have to buy a Gryffindor tie and a wand.)  Last night, I decided to try out my hair.  I hot rolled it, then pin curled it.  BUT the result wasn’t want I want.  The curls were too loose and fell out quickly, even after I teased it.  Mike said it looked too nice.   HA!  Here is the final result.

Of course, I photoshopped a bit.   But you can see the hair looks too nice.  Since today I am bedridden with this stupid post nasal drip and lack of sleep, I decided to try rag curls.  (I was going to do pin curls, but I have done those in the past with disastrous results.  I also didn’t have a small curling iron or sponge rollers…and hot rollers makes too nice of a curl…)  I found instructions online and it looked promising and not hard on the hair/head.  It took a bit to get the hair in, but even when I had to redo a couple of curls/rags, the hair was already curling.   So now I am sitting here until 8 tonight with rags in my head and a scarf around it all.   I am such a sight.

Stay tuned for the final result!

Update:

Well, took out the rags to reveal poodle hair!!  I laughed so hard!  Good thing no one saw.  I immediately heated up the hot rollers, which helped but not much.  I was slightly devastated because I spent all day for nothing, but now I am kinda liking the results.  The girls kinda calmed down, but still frizzy, like Hermione’s in the first movie.  I think the next time I do it, I will put more hair in the rags to give it more of a loose curl.

Wow.  That’s all I have to say.  Wow.  Since April, Mike has been “bugging” me to come to FL; when I was going to visit him in FL.  Being a teacher, my budget isn’t allotted to have extra expenses for this, so I kinda blew it off…even though I really really wanted to go.  Finally, on a whim, a complete whim, I bought a plane ticket using my trusty credit card.  In the weeks following, I went through a mired of emotions.  Most of them were elated emotions, but I also had moments of “What in the world am I doing??  Does he really want me to come?  I mean, really???)  I finally confronted this emotion to him and he convinced me he was thrilled I was coming.  Still, the day before, I was a complete mess.  I was soooo very excited and nervous too.  I usually don’t do things like this.

My flight there was uneventful and I even got to Pensacola early.  Because of this, Mike was not at the airport and, when he came, my luggage was just upon me.  (Ha, he came just in time!)  He gave me his usual one-armed hug after wards.  We went to the mall for lunch and to walk around and talk, then I got to see his and Ben’s place.  I also got to meet his brother.  Later, we went to play disk golf and then the BEACH!!!  Ah, it was so relaxing and awesome!!    That night, I met some of Mike’s friends (like Wendy and Kristen) at a Thai place.  I did not have curry…I know better!

On Thursday, Mike had a basketball game, so I got to see him in action!  I was so proud!!  Every time his team got a basket, I clapped….and I was the only one clapping.  LOL!!  Afterwards, we went to Last Call and watched the Laker’s game.  Mike is a fan and since I am indifferent to basketball teams, I am a Laker’s fan too.

We went to the beach again on Friday!  We went to a quieter part of the beach, which was lovely.  It was so nice to be in the water and talk with Mike without worrying about getting cold!!  The water felt wonderful!

Later that night, we went to a birthday party/barn dance for Brandy.  The people in Mike’s circle of friends are just wonderful!!  So friendly!  I fit right in…and even did this one line dance, besides the electric slide thing.  I am SO ungraceful!

Speaking of dancing, we also went swing dancing!!  I HAD A BLAST!!! I totally have the swing bug.  Totally!  It took me a little bit to get the steps (one, two, rock step..LOL!), but Mike is incredibly patient and kept me going until I got it.  Finally I got it and we tried some incredible steps like the death drop and a flip!  That’s right, the flip!  Mike especially liked twirling me because my dress flared out.

Hm…can’t remember what we did Saturday.  Ah..what was it?  Oh ya!  More disk golf!  This time, Wendy, Kristen, and this other guy joined it.  We did teams…and Mike and I won…only because he is AWESOME at it!  I totally suck.  Bla.

Sunday, church was awesome!  I love his church!  Seriously.  (Long side story here!)  Worship was awesome.  Later, we went to a church picnic by the sound and it was so nice.

I have no idea what we did on Monday.  Isn’t that funny?  I do know we went to an awesome Bible study that night.  On Tuesday, though, we went to the beach with Wendy, Wendy’s children, Kristen, Bill, and one other person.  It was a lot of fun, though we had to be on the sound side.   Later, Kristen, Mike and I went to see Up and it was fabulous!  3D!!  Pizza afterwards, which was fun.   Then, SEVEN11 that night.  Loved that Bible study!!

Wednesday.  Sigh.  Day I had to leave.   It took awhile, but we finally decided to visit PCC (MIKE INSISTED!!) and it was nice to be on old stomping grounds.  Most of it hasn’t changed, but the new Annex is lovely!

After wards, we went to the Christian bookstore and I got a new Bible cover before we went back to the apartment to get my stuff to take me to the airport.

We both waited until the last possible minute for me to go through security.  We sat on the chairs and talked until I HAD to go.  He walked me to the line and hugged me…a REAL hug.  He NEVER gives those out…Wendy can attest.  After wards, there was a little awkward moment where I seriously thought he was going to kiss me…I think.  LOL!!  It was quite awkward for a few seconds.  He waited until I was past security and he gave me another real hug.  He even waited until I was at my gate to leave.  Awesome huh!!  I was SOOOO sad I had to go….!!!

The week went by so fast!  I wish I kept more accurate record of what happened when!  We watched a lot of movies, since Mike is a movie buff.  He made me watch ALL of the Harry Potters and, because of him, I am a fan now.  (Even though we watched them far into the night and he had to keep waking me up!  LOL!!)  We also saw Star Trek one of the days.  It was a great movie!!  We also talked a lot, which was awesome!!  I totally enjoyed his friends–they are so awesome!!  I also enjoyed the alone time we had, which was rare thanks to Bill, Mike’s brother.  LOL!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not sure exactly where we stand at the moment, but it’s ok.  There is deep interest on both sides, but I don’t think we will  be officially dating or moving real forward until we are in the same zip code.  Yes, that’s right.  He has been seriously talking about moving up  here!  And, I mean seriously.  Wow huh!   Anyway, we can go as slow as he wants just as long as I am with him.

Although you guys don’t know the details, I have been struggling with some major hate since about October.  I have been trying hard to forgive, but it’s been so very hard when I see the repercussions of his stupid behavior.  His behavior and actions has changed my life forever.  Yes I have been praying about it, but still.  Well today, I was doing my devotions (and going ahead in the devotion book I am reading since I decided not to bring that with me to FL) when I came across June 14’s article.  Here’s what Thelma Wells said:

“I’m Not Pleased With You”

Throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield  your hearts to the Lord.  –Joshua 24:23

Preparing my wardrobe for the 2001 Women of Faith conference tour became a challenging experience.  I opened one of my hour closets crammed with wall-to-wall clothes and heard in my spirit, “I’m not pleased with you.”

I closed the closet door hoping the voice would go away.  When I opened it again, I got the same holy nudge.  The Lord wanted me to clean out  my closets!

I started laying mountains of clothes on the bed.  When I thought I was finished in one closet I went to another, and then to another.  Designer suits, dresses, t-shirts, casual clothes–bunches had to go.

Frankly, I didn’t like this one bit.  I wanted to keep my clothes.  But three times he sent me back to each closet.

I finally asked him what I could keep.  “Anything that has your logo on it, ” I heard in my spirit, “and some of your speaking suits, and all your junky stuff.”  I was grumbling when I heard him add, “Cheerfully.”  Cheerfully?  I wanted my stuff!

But I started smiling and acting cheerful.  Pretty soon, I felt cheerful.  When I finished my task, I was relieved and dancing joyfully around the house.

All my clothes  now fit in one closet.  I’m quite satisfied with the ones I have.

When was the last time you cleaned out your closets in your mind and heart?  I suspect you have garments hanging around that you need to discard.  When God says, “I am not pleased with you,” listen.  He has a plan to renew your joy.

God, you see into all the closets of my life.

Help me clear out the clutter–cheerfully.

Amen.

I am not saying that I have a ton of clothes.  I am not saying that God speaks to me like this (hm….), but I do realize that I needed to get that bitterness out of my heart.  I KNEW IT.  I just didn’t know how to do it.  I have prayed about it, I have tried to let it go, but when I would see him, it brought anger in my heart and I actually started to hate him.  Woe.  I know, what a bad thing for a Christian.  I just didn’t know how to get past it.  Trust me, I tried.

But, for some reason, that entry helped me.  After I reflected on it, I realized that it was all in God’s plan.  It helped me see my weakness and how to avoid it.  It helped me see who my true friends are.  God probably had to use extreme measures like this one to get them out of my life so I could grow as a Christian.  I was talking to a guy friend who knows the other girls and he admitted to me that they were fake and that struck a cord with him.  He also said that when I was friends with them, I was fake too.  Now that I am away from them, he admitted to me, I am more genuine and open.  Wow.  I never realized that.  I didn’t think I changed, but apparently I have!  God doesn’t want us to be fake or exclusive…he wants us to be open to other people so they see the love and joy of Jesus.

As I reflected on this from my perch on my balcony, I realized that my anger and bitterness to him was gone.  What he needs is prayer…what the girls need is prayer.  I do feel much relief now!  I pray that now that I let God of this, I can be what God wants me to be…and show others His light.

Since summer is coming, with it bringing vacation and weddings, I have been researching ways to get my skin radient and even-toned.  I know, what a chore!  What a impossible task, to say the least.  BUT, since money is tight as usual, I decided to go the natural route.  A couple of days ago, after I wash my face with my normal cleanser, I have scrubbed my face with baking soda (very gentle!) and following up with Aloe Vera from my plant–very natural.  (I took out my anti-aging cream I have been using.)  After more research, I have just started, after the baking soda, I have used a natural toner of 1/2 white vinegar and 1/2 water.  (Boy it stings, but it balances the PH in my skin…and helps clear it up!)  Tonight, I noticed that my blackheads are gone!  Woe!  I am quite excited.  I am going to keep this going for a month and I will let you know how it works.  I am quite excited about it.

Wow.  I never thought I would be sad that it’s over!  The play I mean.  There was a time during last week when it seemed that every time we did the play, it was getting longer and longer.  I/we were just so SICK of it!  We just wanted it to be over.  Well, now it is…and we are sad!  Friday night’s performance was awesome!  We did a great job!  Of course there were a little mistakes, but it was still fabulous.  We all did A LOT of prayer and it payed off!  After the performance, we went to the Bandy’s for our cast party.  We usually have our party after the last night, but since we had to strike the set that last night and that would take forever, we had it on Friday night.  We had lots of fun just goofing off.  Then we watched out performance.  It was so great!  (we did see things we needed to work on, though.)

Performance two.  For some reason, our energy was lacking.  Maybe we were up too late the other night or it was just “morning” for us.  The play went horrible!!!  I mean, bad.  Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I am not going to mention everything that the others did because I can’t remember it all…I am just going to remember me.  First of all, I wasn’t feeling well.  I couldn’t say that I was nervous (well, I did take my Xanex just in case…), I just felt like crap and had NO energy.  I just laid on the floor of the green room and couldn’t get up.  Alyssa was concerned and made me drink one of her Ensures because she guessed I needed some protein.  I guess she was right because I felt a little better afterwards…well, well enough to get up and get ready.  I did a lot of praying before I went on…I was still feeling shaky and yukky.  I did well on stage.  But, then the inevitable  happened.  I missed my cue.  I thought I had more time, but then I realized that I missed it altogether.  I was horrified and so incredibly upset.  SO very upset.  I tried everything in my power not to cry.  I totally just wanted to give up and just quit.  I pulled everything together and did the best acting job of my life by finishing my lines.  AND, when we were doing curtain call, my shoe got stuck on the rug and it came off.  I turned to the audience and gave them a thumbs up, picked it up and went to my spot….and wanting to fall into a hole.  Afterwards, after everyone went and changed and greeted their guests, I just sat on the stage couch and tried very hard not to cry.  When no one was around, I just burst out crying.  I am not sure why…the audience didn’t know because Kristie and Kelsey were good ad libbers, but I was so upset.  A few tried to comfort me until Alyssa sent them away.  She told me to go wash my face (oh goodness so blotchy!!) and made me go eat.  LOL!  I really think I just didn’t want to hear Tammy chew me out about it.  I know what I did wrong and I didn’t need to hear someone yell at me about it.

Afterward, Kelsey and I ran lines again, then just hung out…there just wasn’t enough time to go anywhere!  Finally it was time for our last performance . My goodness, it was our best performance yet!  We were so pumped!  Maybe it was because we had such a bad performance and we wanted to go out on a bang.  We sure did!  We were on fire!  We got flowers for Tammy afterwards, but they surprised us assistants (Alyssa, Roxane, and me) with a dozen roses!  I was quite surprised.  They also gave me a card they all signed and they said some sweet things.

A bunch of us went cosmic bowling afterwards.  I am not a bowling fan because I suck, but I wanted to hang out.  We had so much fun!  It was a great time of joking and acting silly and letting loose.  (I even bowled a 108…which is a personal best!)

Now I am sad that it’s over.  I am going to miss being with the cast and all that was involved.  I am glad it’s over because I have my life back, but…bittersweet.  It’s bittersweet.

Oh ya.  I was told I was their favorite adult there.   That’s nice.

This play is a growing monster that can’t be stopped!!  It is way bigger than I imagined. When I first “signed on”, I thought it was going to be a “little ditty” like last year’s.  Uh…no.  Not at all.  This play is THREE TIMES bigger than last year’s!!  We had to find sooo many costumes (like 6-7 costumes each for the two girls, let alone everyone else…all 17 of them…and the theme is 1923!  Not easy.), which was a horrid mess.  I also did all the fliers and the program and the tshirts and the tickets, which took forever and was so stressful.  (I am not even done the programs yet!)  AAAND, I am IN the play this year!  I feel that my character has taken the back burner sometimes.  (And I was told two days ago my character was more Geisha than French, so I have a week to change her…GAH!)

Today was our first dress rehearsal.  (In  say first because we have more dress rehearsals on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.)  It was crazy nuts.  I came at 8:30 to bring the costumes up from my classroom.  That in itself was crazy!  I was all burnt up by the time 9:00 rolled around because I was still not ready.  I had more costumes to get ready and I was not ready myself for 9:30 curtain call.  I was mad running around.  Then, while the play was going on, I was still running around making sure the two main girls had all their costumes on at the right time.  WAY too many costume changes!!  I was almost unprepared for my part!  I, actually almost missed a part at one moment, and when I went on, one of the saftey pockets I had fell off in the doorway!  No one noticed but I was freaking out on the inside.  Oops!  Next time I have to be more conscience.

Next week is going to be NUTS.  We have the same thing as today on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday…full hair, full makeup.  The thing is…I work til 5:30 and it starts at 6:30…WHEN am I going to EAT??!!!  I am going to have to bring something to school to munch on while I wait I guess and put my face on later.  I am going to have to curl my hair for my bun while I am still working!

Stress.  Part of life, huh.  I am thinking that I will take a break next year.  This is way too much to do every year.  But, we will see how I feel  next year.